Posts Tagged With: love

Love’s Divorce

If you were a worm

I’d give you the plow

I would forgive you

If I knew how


My hands are sweaty

From a loving disease 

I’m writing you letters

That you’ll never read


I clutch in my hand

This arrow of spite

I’ll rip through your heart

With vengeful delight


Blood tastes bitter

When spilled for love

I am the snake

And you are the dove


I hunt in the hollow

Your scent makes me ill

I need your confession

Before I can kill


With fervor, I follow

Your sweet siren sound

As you pluck out my soul

Like a rose from the ground


The snake will starve

Cut off from the source

The dove will wither

From love’s divorce

Snow falls upon seeds

Come spring they’ll start

A sweet flower blooms

From a wound in the heart

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Opiate Detox Recipe (At Home With the Blinders Up)

Disclaimer: This detox protocol is for informational and literary purposes only.

This information is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. All information presented here is not meant as a substitute for or alternative to information from healthcare practitioners. Please consult your healthcare professional about potential interactions or other possible complications before using any product.

I assume no responsibility for what you do with this information.

Let’s go.


-Akuamma Seeds- Picralima Nitida

Akuammine is an opioid antagonist with low affinity, selective for the mu-opioid receptor, when tested in vitro.

-Syrian Rue- Peganum Harmala

Known to interact with opioid receptors & reduce w/d symptoms in lab rats. This is an MAOI so don’t combine with certain medications.

-Kanna- Sceletium Tortuosum

Known to function as a natural SSRI, mild euphoria, mood stabilizer.

-Kra Thum Khok- Mitragnya Hirsuta

Close relative to mitragnya speciosa. Milder in effect but similar presence of alkaloids. Great alternative to kratom (should it become unavailable), and useful for tapering off kratom (similar to stem & vein kratom).

-Chuchuhuasi- Maytenus Krukovii

Natural pain reliever.


Before I get into this, here’s a basic rundown of my detox protocol:

1.) Start taking adaptogenic herbs two weeks before your kick. Use them on through the next two months, as needed.

2.) Start taking kratom when you’re ready to kick.

3.) Take kratom for the duration of your w/d (5-7 days for heroin, 2-4 weeks for suboxone, etc.)

4.) After opiate w/d is complete, begin detoxing from the kratom. Order “stem & vein” kratom

Dear Opiate addict friends,

I know some of you want to get off your habit. Maybe you don’t want to go to rehab because they’ll forever banish you from the glorious kingdom of doctor prescribed painkillers.

I mean, what if you get really fucked up? Like, shanked in a bar fight and staph starts creeping up your pelvis. Your asshole is throbbing in the ER, and the doctor looks at your chart and sez,

“Aw, another junkie. Give him some naproxen and a salt tablet. He’ll walk it off.”

You better have a good bedside manner with them doctors or they won’t give you much.

So I get it. You wanna kick at home. Maybe get high on weekends still? Go on a quick spin dry cycle to get your tolerance down so you can actually afford and enjoy your habit again. No? That doesn’t sound good? You actually want to be clean? Cool.

You’re pretty gangster when you’re high but you’re not thug enough to kick cold turkey. That’s fine. I have a way out that’s not as painful as some. Only thing is, this involves the use of multiple other addictive drugs. So, remember the cross-tolerance factor and don’t be a train jumpin’ junkie hobo, hoppin’ cabooses from smack to crack to booze, shopping, coffee GOD & cigarettes.

Use these drugs for your kick and drop ‘em when you’re done. You’ll figure your life out if you can ride out the detox and the herbs will put a good bounce in your step. Sound good?

Step One:

Get money. Go shopping.

Here’s my list:




Hydroxyzine (or Diphenhydramine)

Phenibut HCL






Comfort food

Herbal meds:





St. John’s Wort

Medicine Rundown

-Kratom (leaf)-

It’s very affordable. Reddit has a kratom vendor list. Google that shit. I like white vein for energy, green vein for pain. Don’t pay more than $120 for a kilo. Depending on your habit, you may need to take more frequent amounts. Mix it with grapefruit juice (enzyme potentiates the effect and duration).

Combined with ginger, this will eliminate the sea-sickness. Too much kratom sucks. You will get sick, dizzy, vomit.

Now, this next one is very important to getting off kratom painlessly:

-Kratom (stem & vein)-

Has a low presence of alkaloids and is used to cut tolerance and (reasonably) painlessly engage withdrawal. You can start by cutting your usual kratom dose with stem & vein, gradually moving to taking only stem & vein. You should be able to stop completely without any major symptoms.
Research it. Reddit has some good intel on this.

-Akuamma Seeds-

Contains similar opioids-agonist alkaloids as kratom, in lower concentrations. Can be used to disrupt a kratom habit but will cause dependence.

-Gabapentin, Clonidine, Hydroxyzine-

These are available by prescription only. Your doctor ought to fork these over if you tell him about what’s goin’ on. But yeah, you don’t wanna get blacklisted off narcotic prescriptions so maybe tell him you’re kicking a booze or a cannabis dependency. Gabapentin for restless legs & anxiety. Clonidine for overall withdrawal symptoms (blood pressure medication). Hydroxyzine for anxiety and sleep (anxiolytic anti-histamine).

(If your doctor can’t deliver those, I recommend getting the following substitutes OTC:

-Diphenhydramine [Benadryl]-

Dextromethorphan Hbr (Robitussin… make sure DXM is the ONLY ingredient on the label. The pills are a tad easier to stomach than the liquid.)


Your mom or grandma probably have some layin’ around. Or your favorite corner boi, if you still have any money left.

You know how it says “Don’t mix this medication with Grapefruit Juice” on the benzo bottle label? Do that. Grapefruit contains an enzyme that potentiates the effect of a wide array of drugs, benzos included. I once got the nickname “Grapefruit” at a rehab center because I was on a heavy benzo taper and hoarded all the grapefruits from the fruit bowl, every fuckin’ morning, sure as the shits. I kept it a secret ‘cus I didn’t want anyone tapping my supply. My peers were confused at my affinity for the bitter fruit. That’s Doctor Grapefruit to you, buddy.

Benzos are habit forming so don’t take for more than a week. Be VERY careful mixing these with the other medications. Go sparingly. Dissolve small doses under your tongue until you feel more… not like a plant that’s turning into a lizard. Y’know? Don’t need to get high. Just need to get… kindasorta normal…ish.

-Phenibut HCL or FAA-

If you can’t get benzos, these are legally available online. They are a nootropic drug developed by the Russians and used on astronauts to help their anxiety. It works similar to benzos, best taken on an empty stomach. The HCL version is highly acidic and harsh on the stomach. The FAA version is neutral PH and easy to stomach although a bit more expensive and slightly less effective. You’ll need a 0.01 scale to measure the powder, a hearty dose of 2000mgs (2 grams) seems sufficient to alleviate detox anxiety. Do not take more than 3000mgs at one time. This stuff is habit forming. Do not take for more than a week.


Also sold as Imodium. Not to be underestimated. This is a fentanyl analogue. It can be potentiated with quinine (found in tonic water). Figure out your own dosage; likely you’ll need to take 3-4x the recommended amount for the first 3 days. Don’t take high doses for more than a week.

-Multivitamins & Comfort food-

Self-explanatory. I like whole food (not the store) vitamins and lukewarm soup.

-Psychedelic Micro-dosing-

Works well for immediate symptoms and post-acute. Seems to have adaptogenic properties. I’ve known folks to microdose with any psychedelics available, with moderate to excellent results. Be careful combining Syrian Rue with psychedelics, it will potentiate the drug (especially fungus and vine medicines).

There is plenty of information available on this subject elsewhere (Bluelight & Reddit for anecdotal evidence.)

Step Two:

Prepare for post acute withdrawal by taking herbs immediately (you should’ve been on them already, but that’s ok if you ain’t):

-Ashwagandha, Ginseng, Kava, Scullcap, St. John’s Wort, Turmeric, Rhodiola-

These herbs will help with the post acute withdrawal symptoms. Without any dope in your veins, your brain will be learning to regulate natural production of neurotransmitters. With these tonics we are targeting your nervous and endocrine systems. Ashwagandha and Ginseng are powerful adaptogenic herbs. They’ll help regulate your endocrine system. The Kava and Scullcap are gentler nervine tonics. Helps with anxiety. St. John’s Wort, also gentle, for depression. Rhodiola is powerful and helps immensely with energy and clarity, cannot be understated. Turmeric, gentle, for pains and mood (best taken with hot water, heavy cream, and black pepper).

Combine your doses with a pinch of crushed black pepper to increase overall bioavailability (or just order piperine).
Take as directed, multiple times a day. Take for at least two weeks up to three months. Most of these need at least a week of daily consumption to start working well.

Pick the herbs that work best for you (will require experimentation), take notes, pay attention. Don’t take more than three different herbs at each dosing. Herbs are powerful; they can have adverse effects. Pay close attention to how your body reacts. Take them between meals or dissolve the tincture under your tongue with water.

Step Three:

Engage Withdrawal

The basic rigamarole is- STOP DOING DOPE. No more. Embrace the suck. You’ll be okay. Gotta earn your life back and stop being a goddamn puppet slave.

Try to exercise, get some yoga in, go to a sauna and sweat… or build your own sauna steam bath at home in the shower. Get that shit outta you. Drink lots of water. Hit some Gatorade. Smoke a lotta weed. Read a book. Rant in your journal or blast something on a canvas. Cry a whole bunch. You’re supposed to be purging. Break down… and then you’ll be treated to a break through. You’re rebuilding on a cellular level. You are turning from a plant back into a mammal. Fucking hurts.

You should be able to transition off the dope and onto the kratom without a whole lot of discomfort. You may have to take a lot (depending on your habit) and it won’t be easy to stomach at first. Use ginger and psyllium husk (or Metamucil) to aid your digestion.

Use benzos/phenibut to help with your anxiety and sleep. Do not take more than 3000mg in one go. A safe and effective dose for w/d anxiety is 1000mg – 2000mg.

After you’ve taken kratom for at least four days straight, you should have effectively disrupted your dope habit. Now you can taper off the kratom slowly, cut it with stem & vein, or just jump straight off and get it over with. Your call.

In the event you get stuck on kratom for a month or two, don’t worry. Progress, not perfection. But I can tell you from personal experience, your intestines get mighty backed up swallowing all that green powder. It starts to make you physically ill and your body rejects it. It’s best to kick it when it’s your decision. A kratom kick lasts anywhere from 3-6 days.

If you haven’t gotten addicted to kratom, congratulations! You’re ready to get through a few shitty days of your asshole falling out and your face dripping onto the floor. It’s okay. You’re gonna get through this and what doesn’t kill ya, doesn’t kill ya.

Now you can begin to really reap the benefit of the herbs. Take plenty of showers, walk when your legs get restless, and overall THUG IT OUT! Get through it. You are tough. You will make it and you will earn balance through perseverance! Also, I love you. I’m here to help. Ask questions if you have any.

By the end of the first ten days, you should be good. Stop taking all the auxiliary drugs, even if they seemed fun. Keep taking the herbs. Start eating healthy. Brush your teeth. Take showers. Go to an NA meeting if that’s your thing. Don’t hang around with your junkie friends. Hang tough.

If ya can’t seem to kick it still, there are Ibogaine clinics in Canada and Mexico. They last about a week and run between $3,000 – $8,000. They seem to have great results if you’ve got the coin. Ayahuasca also has reported abilities to pull your head out of your ass and put the fear of God into you. The same with most other psychedelics. Yoga & Vipassana work wonders as well but they’re slower. Consider these approaches if you need a psycho-somatic reboot. Don’t go it alone if you’re not experienced and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Reddit, Erowid, and Bluelight have great forums for addiction support.

Lovin’ you,

Dr. Grapefruit Fuckoff, PhD NFA

Categories: Ailments & Cures, Recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sour Mash Doubts

Doubts and guilt, doubts and will

I want a bout with honesty, but still

It ain’t right that I write only to share,

so I walk ‘til I’m naked, alone, and scared


Working on a world made up of lines

a jagged sawtooth, I am dusty hammer tines

aging slowly, rusting like nails in the times

relevance buried in the “who, what, where, why?”


I watch you succeed, I watch you spiral and fail

I watch you unbridled, through a window unveiled

This whole time, we thought our calling had sailed

It was tomorrow we were following, on road & on trail


Yesterdays poem becomes todays advice,

biting me in the ass, these words I read twice,

You counted the cards ‘n I loaded the dice

Who could expect an asshole to play nice?


Every bee stung me, walking to the hive

I can tell you that I’m lucky to be alive

Back on battlegrounds we strive to survive

Us crossing lines, so quick to chance lives


I chamber a round, ‘cus death shoots hollows

Most men just want a war drum to follow

To give them some honor, sacrifice, and bravado

warping the story ‘til each man is Picasso


The drones are marching through sweltering heat

While others dodge illusion and deceit

They see a carpet crawling, rats up to their knees

Fighting for a feast while spreading disease


One beer at a time, one breath at a time,

Wasting money, it’s peace I can’t buy-

Could you spare a little peace of mind?

Or else cut a line and pour me some wine


If you accept my conditions of suffering,

I’ll accept myself and everyone else

I am my own hostage, couldn’t you tell

Pay my ransom or throw me in the well!


Envious of those who grow rich beyond riches

knees grow weary, digging penniless ditches

Rolling the bowl, inhale both genie & wishes

Life is joke between three laughing witches


Mash in the chamber, I am the changer

my experiences distilled be the only remainder,

Gulping and splashing drops upon strange anger

sharing libation and handshakes with strangers


I walk in the woods to stalk a truth I can kill

I’ll beat it and twist ‘til it lies naked & still-

kill or be killed, fulfilling a beast of will

We’ve got a full bottle and I’m a-cooking still


My song is a fly humming through wide open blue

My darling is a harp, playing faithfully and true

My heart is a snake, made of flesh and sinew

We left the apple on the limb, and a new tree grew.

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A Sheltered Heart


A sheltered heart lives

As an inmate of the chest

But through a slit comes light

For the songs of all things blessed



A sheltered heart is safe

From the ache of the outer call

Yet it knows not itself

Nor why it exists at all



A sheltered heart contemplates

And grows beyond all doubts

The space between walls shrinks

In joy, the heart cries out



A sheltered heart longs

For a world beyond the walls

But it knows not how to escape

Nor why they were built at all



A sheltered heart moans

And blames the other ones

Yet the etchings on the walls

Only this heart could’ve done



A sheltered heart learns

The origin of its pain:

The design for the cage

Were made in its own name



A liberated heart sacrifices

Protection to be free

A gift, well-deserved

And trusted unto thee

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Who is Society?

Who is society? (A Subjective Coalescence with the Living Object of Society)


While contemplating the concept of society, I often forget to consider myself a member. Society is a living, breathing, and constantly changing aggregate of economies and entities. Forgetting this, I envision myself as an observer, somewhere high above the petri dish of humanity. In doing so, I sterilize all learning with the immature habit of disconnected reflection. I avoid the dust of the world so as not to get my hands dirty.

I don’t want to take responsibility for the ill effects of industrialization & globalization. Dirt is inevitable. I’ll effortlessly purchase throwaway cell phones, receive goods in plastic containers, burn fossil fuels for travel, & spend US Dollars.

In avoiding major sources of societal expansion, my sense of pride tells me I am making a difference. Through this feeling of pride, there arises an idea: I’m not like them. I am not better or worse but I am certainly different from them. This type of thinking brings separation with it. Embracing separation from our environment denies a fundamental law: nothing exists separately.

This very idea of the rugged individual, I believe, is responsible for a dangerous disconnect. The individualist diverges their identity with the organized human form, creating a dualistic separation of organism and environment. This dualism leads to avoidance of the tough issues of life, mainly ethical & philosophical.

“I love man not the less, but nature more.” Lord Byron

Industrialized humanity has abandoned wild nature in favor of human nature. Human nature is a part of nature. I consider it to be inhibited, suppressed, in denial. Extending this to myself, I realize that I too, am those things. In me grows a resistance to accept the ultimate nature of society as it is, here & now. Living in a world of potentials and ideals, I sometimes miss the pragmatic counterweight of realism.

I feel a restless spite toward civilized humanity; at odds with some greater human entity. Denying benefits in favor of losses, focusing on ugliness rather than beauty, giving in to self-loathing before recognizing self-approval. If I am to take responsibility for my membership within “this”, how am I to feel? Rejecting society, living on the fringes is only an avoidance of the real problem: how do we cope with ourselves?

Through quiet acceptance, a door beyond intellect opens. Emotional states become unreliable. Just as thoughts, feelings are mere relative responses, not to be confused with ultimate nature. Soon the thought might arise: I am society.

All these things I am, in an ever-expanding fashion as all forms consistently dissolve into space. I am ultimately inexpressible. I feel myself filled with life, I feel myself decay. I see it everywhere, inside and out.

All mammals arising from the womb of a beautiful female, we share these experiences. I am not separate from life function & the cessation of life function and neither are you. We share this and we are this.

None of these ideas belong to anyone, as much as character doesn’t belong to anyone. They are collective reflections of influences, both inward & outward. They are gifts from society, just as much as our biological makeup is a gift from nature.

As a member of humanity & its greater idea of society, we are inseparable from the discoveries & failings of our members. We are able to share (or deny) these discoveries just as we contribute to the overall catalogue of evolution & decay.

We are these ideas. We are this ignorance. We are these inventions. We are this destruction. We are society.

“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” R. Buckminster Fuller

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Green Mountain, Grey Mountain

Sparrows & jays eat scraps of seed, competing for little. 
So much space to contemplate, gazing through the chilly blue expanse, ducking & curling around fiery autumn hills.

Between birches & berry brambles, a voice calls & comforts me, 

pulling homeward and bound to nowhere. 

I’d like to sit here all day and count leaves.

Family trees, friend trees, lover trees, enemy trees,falling bodies enrich fallow gardens.

Icy winds rip through, 

leaves everything bare;

Nothing stands past death.
Smiling near while some are far,

Gladly talking, taking time to notice 

one another.

If I missed you, I miss you, 

We’ll use a leaf as a tissue.
Sappy as the sweet shit that flows through maple trees, 

cool as a spring trickle 

whispering soft & serene, 

selling us peace at the cost of time.

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Working Title… Will Work For Clarity


I $ave the monie$ doing $hit I don’t really wanna do so I can do cool-a$$ $hit tomorrow. I spend working hours maintaining the distribution of awarene$$e$~

The hourglass in my wallet collects racks that are tracked by no watches, the moments are scoped without relativity, like grains of moments falling down a warped bottleneck of attentive grasping.

The passing time carries my cares under the bridge of regret and onward to lap the shores of silty revelation. These eyes watch the hills change during daylight, reminding that we live in a slowly melting painting.

Time is called money. I may not be clock wise, but I am subject to the same cycles as the everything.
Gravity and distance meet to dissolve all form, sleeping & creeping beautifully like a bloody red sun rolling behind deep ocean blues, there is no way to contain the need to feel, think, & do.

Conceptual hot air takes the winds from corporeal sails and leaves nothing more behind than a snails pace and trails of slime.
Are we living legacies or leaving them?

Destroying preconceptions is tough work, like sawing through sun-hardened driftwood roots to build a fire to cook on. I keep sawing and sawing ’til the sun goes down, the teeth on this small folding blade are becoming dull, my arms burn as I huff and puff, I wonder: is the effort I exert greater than the fuel I harvest?

Time is never wasted, but it can be utilized instead of fantasized.
For a perpetual daydreamer, this is a cornerstone to balance.

“Clarity is power.”

Rambly laymanphiloreligoslaughterosophy musing complete.


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Soggy Remembrances

Fancy fellows follow one another, loaning lends to fires

Trend-setting jet-flying media-spying buyers

Swipe past faces, judgement erases complacency

What else can you do when you won’t let anyone know you?

synchronistic synapses siphon subjects

Typhoons lampoon typewriters, crescendoing nonsense 

following short punchlines with long cigarettes

That ship called “Friend” has sailed

What can you do when all the drunken sailors sober up?

The captain has a cap in captions, shafting daily rations

“Wise cracks will be met with a blithe smack

until the quality of labor improves!”

Stowed away until further notice,

Can’t follow tracks left in murky waters

Trace nothing in the shallows, undulating wellness pervades

Salty suits soiled in semen sing of soggy remembrances

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…reduce reuse recycle culture…

composting inspiration / let art eat itself
I remember one time,
I was dumpster diving for roses
searching for salvaged love
seeking some soul reclamation
matter is neither created nor destroyed
white trash
black trash
yin trash / yang trash
non-dual trash
this Earth is our trash CAN
get hip or get on
you are food for worms
walking meat bag
compost time bomb skeleton machine
can’t handle the funk?
then get outta the dumpster!
glorious bacterial lining of the largest intestine
human consciousness muscles squeeze out some shit
pass a movement
add some fertilizer
we drink moar coffee / we make moar shit
we make moar art / we make moar change
life is stinky & futile
and I like the way you smell
you rotten bitch
I love you

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“In case no one told you today, you are a marvellous piece of the universe and this planet needs you on it.” -Some NewAgey Meme

“Needs” is a bit of a strong word… but you get the sentiment.
As a speck of dust on some park block of the universe,
I acknowledge being here,
co-dependently arisen.
bench and sitter share opposite ends of the same moment
as bum & bottle are one
panhandlers trade jokes for smokes
currency is punchline
man holding newspaper
sipping free trade coffee
eyes gaze on printed words.

words invented by man and for man
paper is milled down south
coffee is carried from overseas
the evolution of plants in our hands;
whose instructions do we receive to carry this on?
from plant? from man? who’s the boss here?
the subtle nature of collaborative chemistry
overlapping, interpenetrating
caffeine sparks the brain,
communicating molecules
stimulating desire
most countries who export it
can’t afford to drink it;
coffee & desire
If we can’t find reason to give thanks,
we can find reason to give love
‘cus life is painful enough without sharing some healing
if you could alleviate the troubles of a stranger,
knowing it wouldn’t save you,
would you?
clinging to agony begets more blood
not all bliss
and not all pain,
We are GI Joes & Barbie Dolls
left out in the rain
soon the kids’ll come home
strap bottle rockets to our backs
say “reach for the sky”
and fire us toward the sun
I am smiling ‘cus I know
this wild universe takes care of its own
*little bang*
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