Ailments & Cures

Opiate Detox Recipe (At Home With the Blinders Up)

Disclaimer: This detox protocol is for informational and literary purposes only.

This information is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. All information presented here is not meant as a substitute for or alternative to information from healthcare practitioners. Please consult your healthcare professional about potential interactions or other possible complications before using any product.

I assume no responsibility for what you do with this information.

Let’s go.


-Akuamma Seeds- Picralima Nitida

Akuammine is an opioid antagonist with low affinity, selective for the mu-opioid receptor, when tested in vitro.

-Syrian Rue- Peganum Harmala

Known to interact with opioid receptors & reduce w/d symptoms in lab rats. This is an MAOI so don’t combine with certain medications.

-Kanna- Sceletium Tortuosum

Known to function as a natural SSRI, mild euphoria, mood stabilizer.

-Kra Thum Khok- Mitragnya Hirsuta

Close relative to mitragnya speciosa. Milder in effect but similar presence of alkaloids. Great alternative to kratom (should it become unavailable), and useful for tapering off kratom (similar to stem & vein kratom).

-Chuchuhuasi- Maytenus Krukovii

Natural pain reliever.


Before I get into this, here’s a basic rundown of my detox protocol:

1.) Start taking adaptogenic herbs two weeks before your kick. Use them on through the next two months, as needed.

2.) Start taking kratom when you’re ready to kick.

3.) Take kratom for the duration of your w/d (5-7 days for heroin, 2-4 weeks for suboxone, etc.)

4.) After opiate w/d is complete, begin detoxing from the kratom. Order “stem & vein” kratom

Dear Opiate addict friends,

I know some of you want to get off your habit. Maybe you don’t want to go to rehab because they’ll forever banish you from the glorious kingdom of doctor prescribed painkillers.

I mean, what if you get really fucked up? Like, shanked in a bar fight and staph starts creeping up your pelvis. Your asshole is throbbing in the ER, and the doctor looks at your chart and sez,

“Aw, another junkie. Give him some naproxen and a salt tablet. He’ll walk it off.”

You better have a good bedside manner with them doctors or they won’t give you much.

So I get it. You wanna kick at home. Maybe get high on weekends still? Go on a quick spin dry cycle to get your tolerance down so you can actually afford and enjoy your habit again. No? That doesn’t sound good? You actually want to be clean? Cool.

You’re pretty gangster when you’re high but you’re not thug enough to kick cold turkey. That’s fine. I have a way out that’s not as painful as some. Only thing is, this involves the use of multiple other addictive drugs. So, remember the cross-tolerance factor and don’t be a train jumpin’ junkie hobo, hoppin’ cabooses from smack to crack to booze, shopping, coffee GOD & cigarettes.

Use these drugs for your kick and drop ‘em when you’re done. You’ll figure your life out if you can ride out the detox and the herbs will put a good bounce in your step. Sound good?

Step One:

Get money. Go shopping.

Here’s my list:




Hydroxyzine (or Diphenhydramine)

Phenibut HCL






Comfort food

Herbal meds:





St. John’s Wort

Medicine Rundown

-Kratom (leaf)-

It’s very affordable. Reddit has a kratom vendor list. Google that shit. I like white vein for energy, green vein for pain. Don’t pay more than $120 for a kilo. Depending on your habit, you may need to take more frequent amounts. Mix it with grapefruit juice (enzyme potentiates the effect and duration).

Combined with ginger, this will eliminate the sea-sickness. Too much kratom sucks. You will get sick, dizzy, vomit.

Now, this next one is very important to getting off kratom painlessly:

-Kratom (stem & vein)-

Has a low presence of alkaloids and is used to cut tolerance and (reasonably) painlessly engage withdrawal. You can start by cutting your usual kratom dose with stem & vein, gradually moving to taking only stem & vein. You should be able to stop completely without any major symptoms.
Research it. Reddit has some good intel on this.

-Akuamma Seeds-

Contains similar opioids-agonist alkaloids as kratom, in lower concentrations. Can be used to disrupt a kratom habit but will cause dependence.

-Gabapentin, Clonidine, Hydroxyzine-

These are available by prescription only. Your doctor ought to fork these over if you tell him about what’s goin’ on. But yeah, you don’t wanna get blacklisted off narcotic prescriptions so maybe tell him you’re kicking a booze or a cannabis dependency. Gabapentin for restless legs & anxiety. Clonidine for overall withdrawal symptoms (blood pressure medication). Hydroxyzine for anxiety and sleep (anxiolytic anti-histamine).

(If your doctor can’t deliver those, I recommend getting the following substitutes OTC:

-Diphenhydramine [Benadryl]-

Dextromethorphan Hbr (Robitussin… make sure DXM is the ONLY ingredient on the label. The pills are a tad easier to stomach than the liquid.)


Your mom or grandma probably have some layin’ around. Or your favorite corner boi, if you still have any money left.

You know how it says “Don’t mix this medication with Grapefruit Juice” on the benzo bottle label? Do that. Grapefruit contains an enzyme that potentiates the effect of a wide array of drugs, benzos included. I once got the nickname “Grapefruit” at a rehab center because I was on a heavy benzo taper and hoarded all the grapefruits from the fruit bowl, every fuckin’ morning, sure as the shits. I kept it a secret ‘cus I didn’t want anyone tapping my supply. My peers were confused at my affinity for the bitter fruit. That’s Doctor Grapefruit to you, buddy.

Benzos are habit forming so don’t take for more than a week. Be VERY careful mixing these with the other medications. Go sparingly. Dissolve small doses under your tongue until you feel more… not like a plant that’s turning into a lizard. Y’know? Don’t need to get high. Just need to get… kindasorta normal…ish.

-Phenibut HCL or FAA-

If you can’t get benzos, these are legally available online. They are a nootropic drug developed by the Russians and used on astronauts to help their anxiety. It works similar to benzos, best taken on an empty stomach. The HCL version is highly acidic and harsh on the stomach. The FAA version is neutral PH and easy to stomach although a bit more expensive and slightly less effective. You’ll need a 0.01 scale to measure the powder, a hearty dose of 2000mgs (2 grams) seems sufficient to alleviate detox anxiety. Do not take more than 3000mgs at one time. This stuff is habit forming. Do not take for more than a week.


Also sold as Imodium. Not to be underestimated. This is a fentanyl analogue. It can be potentiated with quinine (found in tonic water). Figure out your own dosage; likely you’ll need to take 3-4x the recommended amount for the first 3 days. Don’t take high doses for more than a week.

-Multivitamins & Comfort food-

Self-explanatory. I like whole food (not the store) vitamins and lukewarm soup.

-Psychedelic Micro-dosing-

Works well for immediate symptoms and post-acute. Seems to have adaptogenic properties. I’ve known folks to microdose with any psychedelics available, with moderate to excellent results. Be careful combining Syrian Rue with psychedelics, it will potentiate the drug (especially fungus and vine medicines).

There is plenty of information available on this subject elsewhere (Bluelight & Reddit for anecdotal evidence.)

Step Two:

Prepare for post acute withdrawal by taking herbs immediately (you should’ve been on them already, but that’s ok if you ain’t):

-Ashwagandha, Ginseng, Kava, Scullcap, St. John’s Wort, Turmeric, Rhodiola-

These herbs will help with the post acute withdrawal symptoms. Without any dope in your veins, your brain will be learning to regulate natural production of neurotransmitters. With these tonics we are targeting your nervous and endocrine systems. Ashwagandha and Ginseng are powerful adaptogenic herbs. They’ll help regulate your endocrine system. The Kava and Scullcap are gentler nervine tonics. Helps with anxiety. St. John’s Wort, also gentle, for depression. Rhodiola is powerful and helps immensely with energy and clarity, cannot be understated. Turmeric, gentle, for pains and mood (best taken with hot water, heavy cream, and black pepper).

Combine your doses with a pinch of crushed black pepper to increase overall bioavailability (or just order piperine).
Take as directed, multiple times a day. Take for at least two weeks up to three months. Most of these need at least a week of daily consumption to start working well.

Pick the herbs that work best for you (will require experimentation), take notes, pay attention. Don’t take more than three different herbs at each dosing. Herbs are powerful; they can have adverse effects. Pay close attention to how your body reacts. Take them between meals or dissolve the tincture under your tongue with water.

Step Three:

Engage Withdrawal

The basic rigamarole is- STOP DOING DOPE. No more. Embrace the suck. You’ll be okay. Gotta earn your life back and stop being a goddamn puppet slave.

Try to exercise, get some yoga in, go to a sauna and sweat… or build your own sauna steam bath at home in the shower. Get that shit outta you. Drink lots of water. Hit some Gatorade. Smoke a lotta weed. Read a book. Rant in your journal or blast something on a canvas. Cry a whole bunch. You’re supposed to be purging. Break down… and then you’ll be treated to a break through. You’re rebuilding on a cellular level. You are turning from a plant back into a mammal. Fucking hurts.

You should be able to transition off the dope and onto the kratom without a whole lot of discomfort. You may have to take a lot (depending on your habit) and it won’t be easy to stomach at first. Use ginger and psyllium husk (or Metamucil) to aid your digestion.

Use benzos/phenibut to help with your anxiety and sleep. Do not take more than 3000mg in one go. A safe and effective dose for w/d anxiety is 1000mg – 2000mg.

After you’ve taken kratom for at least four days straight, you should have effectively disrupted your dope habit. Now you can taper off the kratom slowly, cut it with stem & vein, or just jump straight off and get it over with. Your call.

In the event you get stuck on kratom for a month or two, don’t worry. Progress, not perfection. But I can tell you from personal experience, your intestines get mighty backed up swallowing all that green powder. It starts to make you physically ill and your body rejects it. It’s best to kick it when it’s your decision. A kratom kick lasts anywhere from 3-6 days.

If you haven’t gotten addicted to kratom, congratulations! You’re ready to get through a few shitty days of your asshole falling out and your face dripping onto the floor. It’s okay. You’re gonna get through this and what doesn’t kill ya, doesn’t kill ya.

Now you can begin to really reap the benefit of the herbs. Take plenty of showers, walk when your legs get restless, and overall THUG IT OUT! Get through it. You are tough. You will make it and you will earn balance through perseverance! Also, I love you. I’m here to help. Ask questions if you have any.

By the end of the first ten days, you should be good. Stop taking all the auxiliary drugs, even if they seemed fun. Keep taking the herbs. Start eating healthy. Brush your teeth. Take showers. Go to an NA meeting if that’s your thing. Don’t hang around with your junkie friends. Hang tough.

If ya can’t seem to kick it still, there are Ibogaine clinics in Canada and Mexico. They last about a week and run between $3,000 – $8,000. They seem to have great results if you’ve got the coin. Ayahuasca also has reported abilities to pull your head out of your ass and put the fear of God into you. The same with most other psychedelics. Yoga & Vipassana work wonders as well but they’re slower. Consider these approaches if you need a psycho-somatic reboot. Don’t go it alone if you’re not experienced and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Reddit, Erowid, and Bluelight have great forums for addiction support.

Lovin’ you,

Dr. Grapefruit Fuckoff, PhD NFA

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Breaking News: Fat Old Bald Manhattanite Passively Propositions Me for a Handjob in a Florida Park

Today I was rolling a number on a park bench, bag on my lap, right outside the Tampa Bay in Florida. The sun is shimmering in the sky and we’re blazing right through the day. Not too hot, not too cold. There are families riding bikes. Kids running around. Couples walking pit bulls. All this action on a puny little trail near my grandmas house. I’m feeling introverted and respectful of my surroundings. I have my “polite citizen” mask on underneath my Hanson-meets-Tarzan locks of knotty long hair.

This fat bald old guy with a lisp approaches me. He’s from Manhattan, living in Florida talking about “blahblahblah” small talk, he lingers a while so I think he’s gonna ask me to buy some of this stinky hash I’m rolling and somehow this conversational bridge happens:

He says he’s from Manhattan so I play the small talk game,

“I’m from the sticks in Vermont but I had a girlfriend from Manhattan, her family is mostly native New Yorkers. I got to meet all them, they’re pretty cool; lived around the city for generations.”

“Oh yeah? You still with her?” Fat Bald Guy asks.

“Nope. I’m footloose and fancy free.” I reply with a grin.

“Well that’s good, you don’t need ’em. You can just take a cold shower and masturbate and you’ll be fine, trust me.” Fat Bald Guy advises me.

I  nod my head in polite agreement.

Fat Bald Guy goes on, “Yeah, well you know, if you need to take care of yourself, you take care of yourself.”

“Whatever works man.” I say. I sense where this is going.

“And you know, you can have someone help get you off too, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He reminds me.

“Yeah man, I sure enjoy the soft touch of a lady’s hand, but you know what they say: get it done right, gotta do it yerself.”

“Oh, sure, but sometimes you need it where you’re at. Sometimes ladies aren’t around, you know?” He raises an inviting eyebrow. The smile on his lips looks all melty like cheap nacho cheese on a polish sausage.

“Right. Well, I’m more into love than lust right now.” I try to end this. I should be pranking him, fucking with his mind… but I’m not. I just want him to leave me alone so I can get this hash and loose smoking herb into this damn half-hollow cigarette already. Forgot my rolling papers at grandmas house.

“Yeah but there’s nothing wrong with getting a hand job in the park from another man, is there?” Fat bald guy plays his hand, cards on the fucking table.

I put mine down,

“Yeah man, whatever you gotta do but that’s not how I roll. I’ve been offered money by a handsome guy to suck my dick before. I just laughed in his face and gently  told him I wouldn’t be able to get hard. First off, my dick gets hard for love. A man has never given me that spark. This body,” I point my thumbs to my chest and grill him down, “needs feminine balance to  function. The male arrangement simply doesn’t do it for me.”

He chuckles and replies,

“Well why’d he want is so bad, did you whip it out and you got a ten-inch dick or something?”

I chuckle, keeping the ace up my sleeve,

“No, he just liked me and wanted me. He was horny and drunk. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me. I don’t like being hit on like that. I communicated to him that I am not interested in physical intimacy with another male.”

“Well… how do you know?” he raises another curious eyebrow. His mouth makes the shape of a fleshlight.

“The same way I know I’m interested in a lady. Instinct.” I conclude.

He gives me a look of mild defeat, and says,

“Have a nice day.” and the Fat Bald Guy kindly fucks off.

I was way too nice to this potential child molester.
He was passively pushy, not catching the hints I dropped.
Not sure what the lesson is exactly.
Tolerance? I tolerated this creep so I could finish rolling and get the hell out of there?
I mean, if I do ever touch another guys dick, it certainly won’t be his.
But why do I want to do that? Dicks are gross. Except for mine.

It seems like every time I get contemplative & introverted, the some sort of feminine side of me becomes apparent. This is easily mistaken for gay to the layperson. Lay person. Ha. Our culture mistakes feminine behavior in men for homosexuality. Gay men don’t own the feminine spectrum as it is expressed through men.

Men in america are afraid of being overtly feminine because once-upon-a-time they were ridiculed for being gay. That mentality is still alive, unfortunately. Because I am a non-threatening gender-equalized male with a skinny body and long hair, I am treated like meat by horny gay men. Maybe I’m going about it all wrong; maybe I should be a gold digging cock-tease and fatten my pockets from all this attention, never putting out. Funny to entertain but that just ain’t me.

To all the beautiful ladies under lustful masculine observation, I feel the tip of the iceberg nipples of your pain. Men without creative outlets are overbearing, horny fuckers. Old and young.

The game of sexual conquest isn’t helping anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for hippie free love but I don’t keep notches on my bedpost. Sex is easy: non-attachment and non-aversion. The same for love. When I feel it, I live it. When I don’t I speak it.
Call me old-fucking-fashioned but I like to play things from the gut and keep it simple; animal-style.

And… uh… that’s the headline for the day. Thanks for playing.

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Buddhist Trolling Perspective #7

Being a personal catalyst for the emotional reactions of others (trolling) is a lot like pulling teeth.
It can be painful to watch at first but it gets the rot removed from heads once correctly identified and observed.
Want to ensure your protection from a troll?
Remove yourself from emotional reactions & reinforce intelligent responses by practicing rational discernment.
Once you are the witness of your own folly, you won’t fall into the traps set by trolls.
Also, next time you can’t afford a trip to the dentist, here is a great Ayurvedic remedy for removing plaque and cavities: mix a combination of equal parts turmeric, cayenne pepper, honey, and shredded palm frond into a bowl. Add peppermint or lavender oils for flavor.
This mix holistically synergizes with the mouth, pulling rot and plaque into the honey.
Use the golden goo to scrub those teeth clean now!
Namaste bitches.
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New Age Paradox Pondering

Attempting to understand the so-called New Age
New Age Paradox Pondering #1:
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
What’s with all this “new” crap anyway?
Sounds like product placement.
Correct me if I’m wrong here (& now)- is this not the same old universe that has always been here (& now)?
Is this moment not a continuation of the original moment we’ve been riding since before nothing banged into something?
Call me old fashioned, but I don’t buy into all this “new” stuff.
Today, “new” reeks of cheap plasticity and expensive money.
The way it seems:
this moment renews & destroys itself through growth & decay.
There is nothing new about this cycle… and yet there is.
New Age Paradox Pondering #23:
What sorts of conversations does Eckhart Tolle have with his dad?
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Human Self-Sabotage Self-Satire #1:

 Because labels such as “humanitarian” and “environmentalist” exist, it seems that humanity is largely composed of folks who don’t know how to be nice & clean their messes up. Put politely: do your duty or get swept up by the big broom, ya filthy animals.
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LOVEITALL ®, the Original Prescription Pain Relief

Hey, Hey, junkies, pillheads, tweakers, crackheads & drunks!
Do you feel a sense of discomfort, deep down within you?
Do thoughts of impending doom persist upon your dreams?
Does your mind prevent you from being still?
Do you have a strong aversion to different types of pain?
I have amazing news for you!
Pain is one of the greatest teachers available.
Buy your relief cheap, today!
For two easy payments, you can accept your suffering now!
It costs:
* Your concepts of material ownership (not the material itself)
* Your attachment to self & suffering (not the physical body)
* Your blood, sweat, & tears (non-refundable)
Get off those wimpy painkillers & apply a true method of pain relief using:
The surgical steel of ferocious-compassionate self-observation & honesty. Use it to remove all traces of pain and replace that pesky sensation with an all-pervading sense of learning & rightness.
The real smack:
Uncle Sam wants you strung out.
Jails, rehabs, death; you’re playing into his pocket.
Is that really what you wish to represent,
some misguided sense of passive suicidal rebellion?
Get yourself strong today, or die trying!
The force that is natural selection will accept nothing less.
This message brought to you by:
LOVEITALL ®, the Original Prescription Pain Relief
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Inspiration in a Black Hole

To all those seeking inspiration: live inside of your emptiness.
Refuse to fill it with food, booze, dope, sex, desire, & material.
Don’t leave your void until you’re truly satisfied.
Just as space contains the Earth, emptiness contains you.
This is where all knowledge exists, devoid of form.
If you don’t believe that you have any talents,
underneath all those layers of clothing, you are naked.
This is your inspiration. Revel in it & dance your way until the grave.
The rest are walking slowly by,
denying the music to their own dismay.
Follow the rhythms that find you alive.
The rest will sort itself out.
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Madness 2016

This morning, I dropped my cell phone into a toilet full of my 8th day detox shit.
First I tried to fish it out with a random toothbrush & failed.
I tossed the toothbrush into the trash and rolled my sleeve up to the elbow.
I went all in and came out dirty.
Time magazine has declared a prophecy: Donald Trump has won presidency. He bought it.
On the counter-prophecy, Huffington Post (an equally reliable news source) declared Bernie the Victor. He earned it.

It has been a rough start to the year for the real underdogs.
As my phone soaks in a Tupperware of hot water & bleach, I debate whether I’ll throw it out or get a new one. Either way, I need to turn it on once more to copy the contacts over to the sim card.

I really don’t like the idea of remembering last year’s colon buildup every time I catch up with an old friend or relative.

I drank a tall glass of salt water at 6:30 to cleanse my colon. That’s what started this shit.
I got off of solid food for a week. It felt needed. I was full of my own shit: social shit, physical shit, philosophical shit, psychological shit, religious shit, family shit, friend shit, drug shit, booze shit, love shit, hate shit, healing shit, destruction shit.

So I do what I used to do from dope withdrawal: curl up in a ball, shit a lot and cry a little. It seems to help. Call it seasonal affective disorder, or sad bitch syndrome. I can’t call it; I just ride the waves. Surf’s up on the shit pipeline, brah.

Don’t worry mom, I’m not shooting up. I’m using herbal medicine to get this depression thing over with. It’s deeply embedded within me. I am facing it and getting it all out. Give thanks; your son is a survivor despite even himself.

As per usual, I went too far: my cheek bones are jutting from my face, my ribs protruding from my chest, my body is slowly consuming its muscles; some may say I was too skinny to start.

All the hidden aches in my body are highlighted: hips, knees, sciatica, gallbladder, shoulders. The parts that hurt the worst are my filthy mind, and my beautifully abused heart. Me, me, me, it’s all about me. Fuck me. I love I. Me sucks. I broke the fast and am slowing out.

I drove into town yesterday, had some errands to run. Fully hydrated, I went to the DMV. I waited for my number to come up while sipping on a lemon juice & cayenne pepper brew. Yeah, my detox game is so hip. So hip. *pukes all over self*

Since my license was about to expire, I needed to apply for a new one. In the state of Oregon, all new drivers are required to take a computer administered multiple-choice test. I was already feeling lightheaded and dizzy, but the cayenne-lemon juice seemed to give me enough of a pep to stay upright.

After trying this DMV process (to no avail) on several other occasions, I finally had all the proper documents ready (so I thought). I had no choice but to be patient throughout all of this. I can be angry at nobody but myself.

First off, the guy behind the desk tells me the copy of my lease needs to be back-signed, but he can get me started on my test. Great. I sit down in front of the computer and start pressing buttons. The words seem to be floating a few millimeters off of the screen and are rearranging themselves in nonsensical patterns. I try my best to comprehend the questions & answers.

If I get 8 wrong, I’ll fail. There are 35 questions to answer. The first one is about right turns in one-way intersections; I get it right. The next one asks the speed limit in unmarked business sections. I get it wrong. Too fast.

Over the course of the next questions I manage to get more wrong than right. I can’t seem to discern the terminology. The screen is bothering my eyes and I am in a trance gateway headed to the heavens. I pray to the Lord Almighty, asking for the proper intuition to help me pass this test. Even that doesn’t help at the DMV. The Lord is clever, staying away from that place. I don’t disagree with the choice.

I finish my test rather quickly and go to the counter.

“How’d ya do?” the lady behind the counter asks me.

“Not good.” I reply.

I am pale and sickly, so she takes pity on me. I don’t want pity. I just want my fucking driver’s license, but clearly I am not road-worthy at the present moment. I need to go curl up in a cave next to a fire somewhere far away from all of this bullshit. Rejection has such a nice touch; it breeds the acceptance of my inevitable caveman solitude. She tells me I can come back the following day to try again. I grab a book to actually study this time.

Outside the DMV, a lady with a clipboard asks me if I want to sign a petition to stop voter information from being sold. I tell her I’m not registered in the state (yet), but she lets me sign on anyway. We talk for awhile about how corrupt this world is, and she spins her yarn,

“It’s a bunch of crooks & con-men, you know, the guys they tell you to look out for on the internet and in the cities, they’re all running the state and federal government,” I nod my head as she goes on, “I shouldn’t be running my mouth like this but I’m old and I have a mouth so I’m gonna use it!”

I give her thumbs-up and a smile, silently thinking “breath is precious”.

I hop into the car and make my way down the street to the Federal Credit Union to set up a new bank account. I step into the bank and am greeted by three tellers at once. This is a different style of bank. There is no line. It’s chaos. I am immediately confused and after fumbling with my feet for an indistinct amount of time, I instinctively walk toward to the teller whom I find the most attractive. I scramble for my ID and she gets me set up with a sit-down banker.

We go over my needs.

“Do you need direct deposit? Do you need financial planning? Have you thought about retirement?”


“How about credit, do you want to build that?”

“I try not to spend money that I don’t already have.” I say, thinking I’d rather have street credit than banking credit.

Call me foolish but I think the whole game is fucked & I don’t wanna play, even if it means sacrificing my own comfort. Even if it means facing piles of hospital bills I can’t possibly pay. If that happens I’ll file for bankruptcy or I’ll file for SSI (yes I can get it, I’m a homeless addict. In America I am rewarded for bad decisions. Does that upset you? It should.)

We do a credit check and I’m at a solid 0. Last year I was -1, perfect.
She then goes on to ask me,

“What happened with so-and-so bank and so-and-so bank in 2011?”
The needle skips off the record.

“How much do I owe?” I ask

“You owe $100 to these guys and $500 to these guys. They shut you down for account abuse and sent it to collections.” She gives me a wary look.

“Ah shoot, I totally forgot about that. Hadn’t heard from them and thought it went away. I made some foolish mistakes a few years ago.” I shyly disclose.

“Well the collections agencies give up after 7 years and it was 5 years ago.” She informs me of an option to wait it out.

I truly want to resolve it. This year has been a year of me squashing debts. Resolving bad credit I created years ago, I’ve paid out a few grand. I have a few grand left. At the time of the offense, I remember putting it onto my future self. I acknowledged that if I survived my dope habit at the time, I would inevitably have to redeem myself in the future.

Here it is. Here is my chance to pay the banks back. Will I do it? I’m not sure. Is it the right thing to do? I don’t know. I’d rather give it to charity. Are the banks worthy of redemption? Probably not. I don’t have the cash on hand but I can go work for it.

I thank the teller and walk out the door. My head is cold. I realize I lost my hat. I go back into the bank and walk around aimlessly searching the floor. I pay mind to no one while the room is silent. I can feel them all observing my strange behavior. I inevitably stand out; I am not able to fully gauge the gaps in conversation. I space out randomly, as if my body is processing remnants of leftover psychedelic experiences.

In one moment, I am in the room, in the next moment I am flying through the stratosphere perceiving the nature of existence through omniscient observation.
I see it all go down.

I see the piss, the shit, the junkies & the derelicts, nodding out in alleys, shooting up in groups, taking care of each other while simultaneously robbing each other of property, the small reflects the large,

I see the faces of tortured victims, beheaded journalists, religious radicals, political refugees, war torn nations, no water and no food, no shelter from the storm,

I see fat fucks stuffing their faces with McDonalds rallying for Donald Trump,
the so-called silent majority working themselves to the bone in a battery factory, high on meth made by their hillbilly Uncle who’s now doing ten years of fed-time,

I see the corporate prison owners driving the nails into the coffins of rehabilitation,

I see the priests spewing ignorance & intolerance while teaching a sermon of tolerance & acceptance,

I see gun enthusiasts acting like they’re the biggest gang around, ha ha what a laugh,

I see independent militias with plans of revolution, like replacing the government is as easy as putting on a new suit & tie?! If you replace shit with more shit, you’ll have a bigger pile of shit you fucking clowns,

I see movements that go nowhere, devoid of leadership & direction, lost in the sea of misdirection, scared to take a stand for fear of some hail of bullets, drones, nanobots, realizing their own ineptness through misacting and miscommunication,

I see a tired old generation still stuck in the habit of destroying everything around them and condemning their sons & daughters for being lazy, because our rejection of their industrial continuum means it is invalid, it means their whole lives have been a waste and they are far too selfish to ever release us of their own expectations,

I see pain in the eyes of our fathers as they’ve inherited a barrel of pain & misunderstanding, as their wives leave them, their family falls apart in anger and destruction, the bank claims homes and businesses, a glass of scotch and the barrel of the handgun tastes like freedom from this,

I see the tears in our mothers eyes because they’ve always been so much more than stay-at-home moms, been more than chefs, more than day-care, more than secretaries and substitute teachers, they’ve been the backbone of all this misfortune and they never got to find out who they really are, so xanax and sleeping pills tastes like freedom from this,

I see suffering in the eyes of our grandparents as they give up, this world is out of their realm of understanding, they give up their bodies, they give up their minds as they softly fade into chemical comas in nursing home beds,

I see pain in the eyes of our sons & daughters, we never wanted this, no, we didn’t want the mansion, the gifts, the false prosperity, the sense of well-being devoid of fulfillment, all we ever wanted was your love & acceptance while you were too busy working to buy us things & then tell us we’re all spoiled,

I see a bunch of millennials praying to the gods in their phones, oblivious to the world outside, concerned only with the next distraction, never fully able to appreciate the one in hand,

I see recent college graduates, too scared to be themselves so they mimic their parents, working jobs that fulfill the same misery their parents raised them with, drinking every day to numb their confusion & lack of internal fulfillment,

I see jaded city-folk born & raised to worship the man-made, disconnected from nature, warped on pharmaceuticals,

I see lost country-folk, raised on nature & warped on mushrooms & molly, playing into consumerist demands which create the exploitation of organic food & organic cannabis which is largely becoming sold to further selfish ends, marketing products under the guise of enlightened consumerism with sacred geometry logos and mercaba patterns, starting to look a lot like Pepsi and Coco-Cola,

I see counter-culture turned culture, a generation of robotic dancers flowing to electronically contrived beats, shelling out their parents’ trust fund to rebel against conventional living through supporting conventional partying, following festivals and shows with a false idea of revolution as they mimic the same shameless capitalism as Wall Street in their drug-made cottage-industry,

I see fake yogis and phony sadhus with pasty complexion, covered in phony ashes & fake dust as they wander aimlessly digging through trash cans and dumpsters in search of the next piece of new-age tail to chase down,

I see new-age philosophers, selling ideas piled upon ideas; nothing makes sense because the words are sold for cents,

I see the hip-hop and the hip-not, the real recognizes the real, and there’s only a few keeping it real,

I see hackers sticking it where it hurts, reminding the powers that be of the raw force of evolution & nature in technological form,

I see sustainable majors, gaining a grasp on what is needed to be done, and finding the good word in the air, water, & sun,

I see old farmers educating new farmers; I see nature supporting itself through the fruits of old growth feeding new growth,

I see bright lights among dark shadows, I see mothers raising new babies with old values, water-born babies-in-arms, no drugs and no hospitals,

I see children with illuminated & untainted minds, I see teachers with jaded inspiration, and I see substitutes with optimism & hope & love,

I see our fathers and mothers recovering from their maladies; after everything has been lost they can begin anew. I see realization in their eyes & minds, we share the burdens together and overcome them through strength and love and community, building ourselves alongside a better day,

I see wise old grandparents who have met the Almighty, have no fear and realize the cycle of life, hold no grudge and no regret and remain an endless source of inspiration and wisdom,

I see the habits breaking after we survive them, after we survive ourselves, we decide we cannot kill ourselves because we don’t have it in us, we lack the strength to do so, so we turn to constructive & selfless means because it’s the only thing that releases us from the prisons of our twisted bodies & warped minds,

I see senators & congressmen growing old & dying, I see the new replacing the old,
I see the new getting sick and tired of the world our grandparents & parents left us, I breathe the chemicals, the pollutants, the harmful technologies of HAARP, the radiation from the pacific ocean: it’s in the clams, the crabs, the tuna, the squid, the seaweed, the pacific ocean is dying, the world is slowly dying again,

And it’s all a cycle, it comes and goes, ebbs and flows, nature takes care of itself but is that any reason to continue neglecting it? Decay feeds growth only while the environment is supportive of healthy growth.

I see a lonely writer, broken heart healing, hating himself and loving himself, stuck outside & forced to live inside, outdated & outnumbered, raging in darkness with a candle burning his fingertips and eyelids, ranting silently to himself with aches all over and a headache: no sugar no smoke no smack no dope no hope, he realizes immanence, no use for hope anymore. The show always goes on. There is no need for pessimism or optimism; they are a waste of energy. Just be and die.

And then I leave the bank, hopefully for the last time. I make it home alive, find the hat in my pocket, and resolve not to go out again like that. It was a careless move on my part, but I trust in the good will of the Universe to guide me home without injury to others.
Myself can wait. I sit and contemplate the material of existence silently.

“If we don’t discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.” -William Feather

Consider this a peace offering.


I love you all,

Simon Cape
Central Oregon
January 13, 2016

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Polishing the Tile

While sweeping the temple  I meditate,
“I am sweeping away the dust of ignorance.
I am sweeping away the dust of suffering,” cleaning inside & out.


While washing the dishes I meditate,
“I am scrubbing away the grime of ignorance.
I am scrubbing away the grime of suffering,” washing inside & out.


While showering I meditate,
“I am washing away the dirt of ignorance.
I am washing away the dirt of suffering,” bathing inside & out.


While walking I meditate,
“I am stepping away from the habit of ignorance.
I am stepping away from the habit of suffering,” merging inside & out.


While working I meditate,
“I am laboring to remove the blemish of ignorance.
I am laboring to remove the blemish of suffering,” working inside & out.


While trimming I meditate,
“I am cutting away  ignorance.
I am cutting away suffering,” clarifying inside & out.


While thinking I meditate,
“These thoughts are diffusing the cycle of ignorance.
These thoughts are diffusing the cycle of suffering,” harmonizing inside & out.


While speaking I meditate,
“I am using words of understanding.
I am breaking the habit of ignorance & suffering,”
as dialogue becomes monologue


While writing  I meditate,
“I am dispelling ignorance.
I am dispelling suffering,” understanding inside & out.


While reading I meditate,
“I am absorbing the pith to dissolve ignorance.
I am absorbing the pith to dissolve suffering,” realizing inside & out.


While driving I meditate,
“I am spinning the wheels of enlightened understanding.
I am braking the habit of ignorance & suffering,”
moving inside & out.


While breathing I meditate,
“I am sighing away the distraction of ignorance.
I am sighing away the distraction of suffering,” purifying inside & out.


While resting I meditate,
“I am dreaming beyond the veil of ignorance.
“I am dreaming beyond the veil of suffering,”  calming inside & out.



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Understanding the Illusion of Financial Success

(Dispelling rationalized financial iniquity)
To understand is not to physically renounce our possessions; to go be poor.

To understand is to release the attachment to status & wealth, and to see how it is not serving our highest interests & the interests of this whole planetary ecosystem.

To understand is to realize we are rich with & without material.

To whom does wealth really belong?
It belongs to us all just as this Earth belongs to itself.
No man is ineligible to earn money if he seeks it.

Material wealth is man-made.
Man is not material-made.
Earth is universe-created.
The universe is not Earth-created.
We call ourselves human.
Which is to say that our lives are a collective human experience as it relates to the external world.

Before our salaries, we belong to nature.
This nature is not just the trees in the forest, it is also human nature.
We all decide what exactly this is by means of convention & true understanding from within.
To forget this is to suffer a great loss of self.
To understand true wealth is to acknowledge the ties that bind and cut them.

I think we know how to be happy with no money, therefore we should be able to remain happy with money.
To understand this is to become independent of wealth.
Through understanding, we become independent of greed.

This is important because it helps us realize the difference between money & happiness.
Happiness is unlimited, money is not.
Suffering is unlimited, money is not.
For one to prosper over another creates entitlement & competition.
Can we honestly say that these attitudes have made the world a better place?
Does money make the sun shine better?
Does material wealth make the grass grow greener?
To understand is not to develop a pro-mentality or an anti-mentality.
We get it how we live!

To understand is to break the illusion of relative success.
There is no such thing as success apart from our invention of it.
This does not necessarily mean dispel the concept of success.
It is a call to look deeply into the differences between individual success & collaborative success.

What is the difference between one winning and one losing?
They feed different aspects of loss & gain, playing the same game.

We are either happy, we are suffering, or we have transcended both.
By all means, we go out and play the games of civilized living, but always we always know in our hearts that these games will come to an end.
It will hurt our hands to have things ripped away.
If we cling to nothing, we inherit everything.

This is not religion.
This is not spirituality.
This is understanding.

I love us all & I trust we can always love & forgive ourselves at the moment of our choosing.
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